From making small talk to missing social cues, the road to romance can be rocky for those with ADHD and autism. Here are some tips for how to navigate it
t is safe to say that, when it comes to dating and relationships, I’ve never had an easy ride. I’ve always been the one who cares more, the one who is “too intense” and the one who winds up getting hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve and, as a relatively newly diagnosed autistic woman with ADHD, there are two words that have followed me around and haunted me throughout my entire life: “too much”.
Until recently, being “too much” was a source of great shame. I spent my teenage years and early 20s trying to navigate dating and relationships while missing a key piece of information about myself – that I was an autistic ADHDer. I didn’t know that I was prone to feeling things much more deeply than most people, or that masking made me a chronic people pleaser. I didn’t know that I had a social disability, or that my dopamine-seeking brain might look for stimulation from problematic places .
This analogy stands strong with dating and relationships in particular – by no means has my love life become infinitely easier or more straightforward since my diagnosis, but I am at least aware of the challenges I might face, the tendencies I have, and the type of qualities I might want to look for in a person.
I sadly cannot give you a handbook on how to have an excellent love life as an autistic person or an ADHDer, but I can share a few pointers which have been helpful for me.Don’t worry – I am not about to recommend that you head to an aerobics class for your first date. However, I think “activity dates” are a great place to start.
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