I continually Googled my symptoms, real or imagined. Then tragedy, and an OCD diagnosis, set me on the path to understanding why, says Elle Warren, a writer covering queerness and mental health
I continually Googled my symptoms, real or imagined. Then tragedy, and an OCD diagnosis, set me on the path to understanding whyhen I got my first period aged 11, but not again for 18 months, I worried I might be the next Virgin Mary, pregnant by mystical means. I’d sit at my family computer and Google: “Ways to get pregnant without sex”, “Why am I not having my period?”, “No period after first period”.
Though my period eventually returned, my inability to cope with the inherent uncertainty of the human experience remained, and I kept turning to Google for reassurance. When I was 17, I sat on the sofa doing homework while my parents went out with friends. In the quiet of the house, with nothing to focus on besides a dull textbook and my own internal workings, I noticed my chest felt tight. I had a smartphone by then, which meant I could search Google anytime, anywhere.
I typed “anxiety” into Instagram’s search bar. I found people who catalogued their experience with it, but I also found therapists with hundreds of posts on another condition I didn’t know was adjacent to anxiety:. Before, I thought OCD was about liking things to be neat and organised. But I learned that it’s not about preference or enjoyment at all. Obsessions can be debilitating and latch on to almost anything, including the possibility of having a deadly disease.
At 26, I don’t research my health symptoms any more. I don’t try to “solve” them. I’ve learned it’s not something I can do, even in moderation. Instead, I trust myself to listen to my body and make a decision about whether or not I need to consult a doctor. At first, abstaining from the allure of that search bar was difficult, and I was imperfect. My brain tried to tell me: “It’s irresponsible not to check with the internet about this, just to make sure.
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