By not questioning friend’s engagement to ill partner, is the letter writer giving “tacit approval” to a lifetime of caregiving?
I have a friend circle that has remained close since high school. One friend recently became engaged to a partner of a few years. A year ago, the partner developed a long-term illness that robs them of nearly all energy.Before this, the couple worked full time, traveled often and frequently hosted or attended social events. Now, they are completely confined to their apartment.
Friend’s devotion is honorable, but my gut feeling says Friend hasn’t fully processed the gravity of Partner’s health. I recently listened as Partner derided the idea of ever returning to Friend’s cherished family vacation house, preferring to not leave the apartment at all. Friend said nothing.Friend wanted children before, and I’m afraid Friend is making a tremendous error in judgment committing to Partner for life.
Your concerns are on target regardless, I’m guessing. Friend just committed to a life circumscribed by three factors: Partner’s illness, Partner’s preference for both to respond to the illness together with home confinement and Friend’s acquiescence to those terms. Only one of those factors was out of their hands.Friend, meanwhile, brought to this relationship a reluctance to discuss tough things, which creates ideal conditions for weak self-advocacy. That alone is a case for speaking up.
3. After months of patient, mutual support through this wrenching adjustment, Partner and Friend jointly decide to separate.If so, wonderful. Except they’re three outcomes over which you have little to no say — unless your friend trusts you, confides in you, invites you in. So there’s your next move: Be that trusted friend to Friend. Items one and two on that list are knowing your place, and not having already made up your mind.
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