The only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that’s not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.
Richard Johnson, Plumber “I split up my days pretty evenly between telling her how much I wanted a boy and berating her for acting too much like a boy.” Jason Ridgeman, Compound Leader “All my daughters know if they toil hard they can become one of my wives someday.” Frank Mejia, Chef “If I’ve done my job, she will definitely be running away from home by age 15.” Ralph Lindley, Security Guard “I just tell her to never have sex and always do what men want.
” Fred Peters, Construction Worker “Wait, I have a daughter?” Kyle Winters, Baggage Handler “Daughters? No, they get left at the hospital. I have sons.” Mitch Tyson, Contractor “I’m teaching her that women are the property of their husbands, but they can still be strong. Like a Ford F-150.” T.J. Resnik, Gun Shop Owner “You should raise daughters and sons the same way: with a healthy disrespect for women.
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