Dear How to Do It: At this point, I haven’t found an excuse that hasn’t been made.
So, perhaps I’m being uncharitable, but let’s just scroll. I’m skipping over some very relevant ones to go back to the very, very top. “She is involved in a ton of activities by choice.”“This was the case up until COVID and since has gotten a lot worse.” So, you’re framing your wife’s engagement with society, academically and socially, as bad. That strikes me as very controlling and entitled.Yes, I agree. I think the whole thing is controlling and self-entitled.
Also: “I have a wonderful wife.” You say that at the outset, but then I don’t get any of that from the rest of the letter, which is just a litany of complaints. So, do you really think that? I mean, it sounds to me like this is an active person within her family and community, but that is not really truly appreciated.
And I know, obviously, this is a sex advice column. It’s not a civics advice column. But at the same time, I’m not really seeing that appreciation in these words. And so, “are you living these words?” is my question. How do you show her that? Are you engaging her at all in a way that would even make her interested in having sex with you?Stoya:
And so frequently, the scope of our column involves everything from barbers to therapists who comment on the relational aspect of things. Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum, no matter how much you cite Foucault’ssociety tries to pretend it does. These things are all integrated. And thinking holistically, I mean, maybe this guy actually would prefer his wife do nothing but maintain herself in a state of sexual readiness for him. But if that’s the case, he’s got a problem.Yeah, I agree.
Once a month might be her limit. And if you accept her at that, then maybe you could make your decisions with a clearer head. That shouldn’t be, “I’m going to betray this person who’s taking care in some capacity of five kids.” Don’t do that.There’s another line. I want to be done with the righteous anger, but I’m not, because that’s another line. “I haven’t found an excuse that hasn’t been made.” People shouldn’t have to make excuses to say no to sex.
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