Jeff Bezos popped the question to longtime girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez. What do people need to know about marriage the second time around? Couples therapist Stephen Betchen explains how not to make the same mistakes that dissolved a first marriage.
I am not placing blame. In fact, I do not believe in mistakes when it comes to choosing a mate. Rather, I see mate choice as an unconsciously predetermined process that unless understood will be difficult if not impossible to alter. The following is an example of this point:A couple in treatment separated when the male client discovered that his wife was having an affair with her co-worker. When caught, the wife ended the affair and showed remorse for her actions.
As a young adult, the male client was witness to his father numerous affairs and his passive mother’s reactions. The client was terribly upset by this and tried to intervene to no avail. That is, he could not get his father to stop cheating nor his mother to stand up for herself. It might be simple enough to conclude that the male client role modeled his mother’s victim by marrying women who also cheated on him. But it was more complicated than that. Therapeutic insight came when the male client discovered that he chose cheating women because he viewed them as empowered and in control. These women were attractive to the male client who longed for his mother to be more powerful in dealing with her cheating husband.
a reality even though he risked being treated poorly. Until he reached this level of insight, he was at the mercy of his masochistic attraction.What the previous example makes clear is that it is often difficult for any of us to free ourselves from that which is deeply internalized, including mate choice.
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