As Roe v Wade is overturned and abortion bans are reinstated in the US, women from across the world who felt pressured to have children tell their stories
have happened to me. Abortion was the first thing that came to my mindI became pregnant two years after getting married and it was the worst thing that could possibly have happened to me because I was in the middle of separating from my husband. He had tried to hit me and I didn’t want to stick around to see if he would do it again.was the first thing that came to my mind, but the only place nearby it was allowed was Mexico City, and only until 12 weeks.
And yet I still miss my previous life. As much as I wish I had reached a point of acceptance, it is still something I cannot do.I met the father of my child when I was 17 years old. I ended up in a toxic relationship and was pressured to not use condoms and take the pill instead. It’s easy to judge from the outside, but when you’re in love with someone you end up taking on all the responsibility.
I hate my reality, the life I didn’t choose to have. Where is that anti-abortion religious education teacher now? Is she going to take care of my child? My ex said we had to face the consequences, so why doesn’t he pay child support? Why do I have to live with the guilt of my mother taking care of her so I can study? It’s really hard for me, because an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t last nine months – it lasts a lifetime.
The bruises will heal in the end, but the psychological abuse lasts much longer. Nowadays I feel calmer and have a better relationship with my daughter. I enjoy her in a different way, looking for common interests such as drawing, playing music that I like for her. It’s almost as if she were my sister. The relationship is more fun.
My husband has been travelling a lot for work, meeting with his colleagues, having dinners. He has been living life the same way he did before we had kids, except I don’t share it with him any more. I am the one home alone with the kids all the time. ‘If I could start over again, I wouldn’t have had any of my children. I want my peace, my space, my life back’I grew up in an ultra-religious community with a lot of fanaticism. From the beginning, I was told my role in life was to be a mother and wife. People around me had five or six children, so you could say that I was predestined to become a mother. I remember once when I was 12, and we were fishing in a lake, I wrote four names in the sand: three boys and one girl.
One day I couldn’t handle it any more. I got in my car and drove down the motorway aimlessly at a high speed. I couldn’t stop crying. And in that moment a thought flashed through my mind: “What if I just let go of the wheel?” Then I thought about my children and realised that they weren’t going to survive with their father, and I made an effort to get back home.
I feel guilty about my children. It’s very difficult because they didn’t have what they needed from a mother. Now I do what I can for my grandchildren. I don’t enjoy it, but I help them in every way. It’s the “job” of many women who take care of their husbands, children and elderly people. Socially, we are predestined to be caretakers.
I never should have married a man or had children. The right thing would have been to be with my current partner, but we couldn’t – we were too young. It’s hard to feel guilty all the time, but that’s how I feel: guilty vis-a-vis my mother, my children and my partner.That was not at all what I wanted to do with my life’Louisiana is a very Catholic society and there is this religiously enforced societal misogyny. My mother didn’t finish high school.
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