'The two vertical lines plunging from the corners of the mouth, simulating a mechanically operated mouth that’s ready to gape open and do your filthy bidding? This is what makes Christmas the most festive and deeply erotic time of the year!'
Those pale, chalky faces with blank, expressionless eyes staring deep into nowhere? The two perfectly circular red dots on the cheeks? And, of course, the two vertical lines plunging from the corners of the mouth, simulating a mechanically operated mouth that’s ready to gape open and do your filthy bidding? This is what makes Christmas the most festive and deeply erotic time of the year!I think what makes the yuletide especially satisfying is that it only comes around once a year.
The black boots, tall hats, and the white straps making an X across the chest—a chest, I should add, that’s a geometrically perfect cylinder—it makes me feel like I’m walking through a winter wonderland of tantalizing carnal delights. So naturally, this is my busiest time of year. Heck, I’ll drive up to 150 miles to watch a well-reviewed production of. As long as I can get tickets in the back row, where I’m shrouded in darkness, I’ll be there with my video camera. I’ve got over 200s on professional-quality video—at least up to the mouse battle, that is, because what else do you need after that, really? If there’s a good-sized battalion of soldiers, like six or more, I’m good to go, baby; no Act II necessary.
I also spend some time touring community Christmas displays and checking out the toy soldiers from every conceivable angle. I can give you the make, model, and year for any large-scale toy soldier decoration made in the last 50 years. In fact, I almost parlayed my expertise into a job at one of those seasonal Christmas stores, but I started breathing pretty heavily during the interview and the lady who ran the store asked me to leave.
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