CJ Hauser has spent hours on her computer looking up breast reduction surgery. What’s holding her back?
ack when I first got my tits, in the fifth grade, I had these ecstatic daydreams in which they were gone. In these reveries, I was running through the tall meadow grasses of my green yard where wild turkeys noisily exploded from their cover, and I was wearing my favourite shirt with the burgundy suns bleach-drizzled across it and it lay completely flat across my chest and I wore no bra and I was barefoot and I could move so fast.
In my own head, the only reason I still had my tits, which I hated, was because I was going to offer them to someone All of this is to say I have found myself needing to consider which parts of “having children” are the parts I always thought I wanted. And as I separate out the parts that have to do with coupledom, or with wanting to meld genes with a particular beloved, from the parts that have to do with being a parent, from the parts that have to do with being a person whose body makes a life, it seems there are more and different elements to this than I’d been led to believe.
What do you mean by that, my therapist asked: “Use” them? This was a good question. I had surprised myself with these words. I tried to explain what my mouth had admitted without my brain even knowing why. And it turned out that, in my own head, the only reason I still had my tits, which I hated, was because I was going to offer them to someone. To hypothetical tit-appreciating and possibly scar-averse lovers. To my hypothetical child.
Who would I fall in love with, have sex with, if I wasn’t imagining that person as a parent to my someday child? When I stopped thinking about the people I kissed as being part of some sort of pathway to shared parenthood, I found I was interested in different people. I became open to seeing polyamorous people. I saw women more frequently. And the monogamous cis men I was interested in were different, too.
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